june 1, 2009

this day...i dated her... supposedly this day; our 2 yrs and 5 months relationship... but its over. for the 1st time in my life, i dated her in a "not so" formal motif, uhm. semi formal i think. we ate dinner in a fancy but romantic restaurant, in a floating restaurant to be specific. i enjoyed every moments with her. i missed her dangling eyes when she smiles, her cute lips, her soft cheeks, her smooth hands, the smell of her hair and her perfume, her fluffy shoulders, and especially i missed being with her. i gave her bouquet of flowers containing pink and red rose. i prepare a letter for her but i forgot to give it to her. after we ate our dinner, we watched a movie. when we were their sitting and watching, my legs are shaking and start thinking, "gusto nako siya ihug and ikiss", "shet!! namiss jud nako si roj!!" without knowing my tears starts falling. the movie was about to end, and i hug her. ayoko pang bumitaw pero kelangan eh. after watching a movie, we ate fries at mcdonalds, and just enjoying the company of each other then got home. i spend alot of money during our date but its definitely ok!. just seeing her smile makes my heart jumps. just being with her is really a contentment for me. when she got home, i kissed her alot of times on her cheeks and thinking "i miss this girl so much!!" i attempt to kiss her on her lips pero umiwas siya. ok lng naman di naman tlga yun pwede eh. i was so happy because she kiss me also on my cheeks 3 times!!!!!!!. after that i got home. when i was still in the taxi, damn! my tears starts falling again. i think i'm just missing the old times and especially the girl whom i loved the most. the taxi driver and i had a conversation. the taxi driver ask me "ok lng ka dong?" and i answered back "ok lng nong, gi mingaw lng ko sa iya, hehehe". taxi driver: "bago lng gne mo nag uban gi mingaw dayon ka". me: "lge nong! dugay naman gud mi wala nag uban". taxi driver: "ana jud na dong basta gugma". me: "hahaha..lage nong!" and thinking: yes! that's love! (sobrang cheeeeezzzzzzyyyyy!!!!!)

when i was in my room....i talked to myself

haayzz! wla na ba tlga??? hayyzz! alam nya naman na lahat ng mga sinasabi nya eh naniniwala ako. pero siya bahala, kung san siya masaya. masaya na ako kung masaya rin siya. pero sana, if ever man may konte pa akong chance, sana pagbigyan pa uli nya ako. if kelangan mag change gagawin ko, gusto kong bumawi sa mga pagkakamali ko. i love her eh! ano magagawa ko?? yes, people change pero sa amin?? sino ba nag bago?? siya or ako??? hmmm... if sinisisi niya sarili nya, hehe mali siya don..gusto kong marinig na ako ang sisihin nya.. that's all! hehe...i love her so much! hindi ko kayang sisihin siya sa mga nangyari..kasalanan ko na pinabayaan ko siya, although ginawa ko na ang lahat para lng mapasaya siya..pero i think its not enough..kaya sana ako ang sisihin nya..hehe..everytime she talked to me this past few days, mukhang sa tono ng boses nya, mukhang wala na talaga akong pag asa sa kanya ah..she's right! it's for the best... haayzz..tama na! she've done far enough..i don't want to remember all those painful things that she told me. gusto nya ng break up dba? yun lng naman talaga dba? ok! ayaw ko na siyang pagurin pa... syempre lakas yun sa akin eh! i think wala na talaga akong magagawa pa... hehe.. naging masaya ako sa 2 years and 4 months na yun...wala akong minahal na babaeng tulad niya...hindi ako tumingin sa ibang babae kundi sa kanya lamang..nsa kanya lng yan kung naniniwala siya o hindi... OK! OK! eto lng talaga sa akin, naniniwala ako na walang contentment ang isang tao, pero yung 2 years and 4 months na yun..i felt very contented kasi para sa akin she's enough para mapasaya ako!! sobrang cheezzyy!! hehe.. Ilang beses ko na ba sinabing mahal kita? Teka ah.. Sa sobrang dami, kung nagsisinungaling ako sa lahat ng sinabi ko sayo na 'Mahal Kita' siguro kahit si Satanas hindi ako patatawarin..hahaha...masisisi nya ba ako na mahal ko siya?? haha..

*complete silence....

may request sana ako sa kanya..kung ok lng..kahit isang kiss lng, sa lips! bago ang lahat at bago ako umalis sa buhay niya...pwede sana dba?? hahaha...alam ko namang di nya ako hahalikan kung ako lng ang may gusto eh!..hehe.. sige pano ba yan!...i'm so sorry sa mga nagawa ko sa kanya na di nya nagustuhan..sana maging happy siya..if ever man makakahanap siya ng iba sana mas higit ang love niya sayo kay sa love ko sayo...haha! goodluck sa amin! see her in the future! haha...

"this heart it beats, beats for only you" //_T

when it's over........

phew...its really hard..waking up with depressing moments...we broke up and yet i can't still find any coping mechanisms. why did we end up like this?? why is it hard to let go of someone you really love?? everyday we see each other because we're classmates and it's hard not talking to her, not hearing her voice. i tried to busy myself but still i kept on thinking of her. there's still questions that are bugging me and pissing me of. why is it easy for her to broke up with me??? did she thought about it?? haay..hindi ba sayang yung 2 years and 4 months para sa kanya??? ba't ganun kadali at ganun kabilis mag decide??? 1 snap and all of it are gone. my friends told me that if she needs space or even time, maybe nasasakal siya, or there's someone na nagpaparamdam at naconfuse siya, or nadevelop siya sa iba, or siya needs time lng talaga to unwind. my friends told me that if she really needs time and space, i should give it to her and i should try not to be selfish and be possessive. if she really LOVES me she'll come back with no hesitations but if d na siya bumalik hayaan ko nalang and wish her all the happiness in life and hope that she'll find a guy better than me and who can really give the best for her and for their relationship. to be honest, its very painful if i'll see her with another guy that's why i'm bringing my shades to cover up my teary eyes eh.. now, i should busy myself and just be me. dapat mag sstart na naman ako mag gym and do more push ups para if ever magkita kami ulit ma tturn on na naman siya sa akin dahil lumaki katawan ko. hahahaha!!!! anyway, syempre! i won't close all my doors and windows and be open to all opportunities especially for her. basta i'm always here naman for her eh as bestfriend, closefriend, boyfriend, anything basta for her. and i'll always be here waiting to be needed by her. my friends are right, i should trust her even though wala na kami and also be open-minded. if she says a thing to me, i should trust it talaga!! and be optimistic. do not imagine negative happenings. i realize that Rogelyn L. Damasin a.k.a "roj" is the type of girl that every guy should admire not only her looks but also her moody personality. i've known roj so much and because of her and our relationship i learned alot of things. every person should know how to control their temper if they meet roj because roj change her mood every now and then. now she's sweet and caring but later if you committed little errors she really gets mad easily. and 1 thing that she hates is a boring day, you should have plans if you're with her because when boredom strikes her, phew!!!! your day will be completely messed up!!! i tell you!!! she don't like "sighs" the "haaaayyy" thingy. she really loves it when you buy her some clothes and treat her to any fast food chains. if you decide to have a movie marathon in her house, it should be 5pm and up because if you watch movie during lunchtime or to be exact 12noon -3pm, she gets annoyed and super irritated because of the hot weather. she don't like orange juices and prefer iced tea. she loves window shopping. if the weather is hot and you have umbrella you should positioned it between you and her because she gets mad if sunlight touches her and your skin. hahahaha. also applicable during rainy days. hehehehehe. if its late and you want to go home already and you're in her house, before you leave you should drink water with her. these are some of the things that i really missed about her and about our relationship. roj, the type of girl that should be treated lovely and kindly. every moments with her should be cherished and she's the type of girl that every guy should give all the best for her.

so that's it!...
"my heart it beats, beats for only you!" //_T

poem of poems....

phew...
no trip!...
so...making these poems makes me....phew...

Our Love

Loves memory has traced our outline in this place.
But will the spider remember, or the sun?
Did the water capture our faces in permanence?
Does the wind create us anew as it blows?
Did the shadows from the trees record our passage beneath them?
Our secret been revealed.
Yet I have told no other.
I write these words in silence, in mute testimony
To what once was.
But our image remains alive in this place.
It can not be removed.
You, me,
We then,
Were here.
We saw the day and hoped for tomorrow.
We caught a brief glimpse of love's promise.
We were not liars,
But thieves of time.
For now time has now forgotten us,
Yet our memory lingers, and love remembers
This place that was ours.

Pink and Red Rose

music in your ears
your eyes crying tears
its been so many days
since i've seen you smile

i gave to you a pink and red rose
through choked and quarrel times
through everything
on that cold winters day

i'm sorry i made you sad
that i became so mad
i'm sorry for everything
i feel so bad

the life you wanted
wasn't what i could give
i couldn't tell you
i was too scared to lose you

we walked away from each other
on that cold winters day
and now we are miles apart
and wishing we had stayed
(haay...wish you were here)

I am alone

This is what I chose
Then why do I feel so dead?
This emotion I cannot name
On the run with a price upon my head

Words I cannot form
Thoughts I shudder to speak
Courage long gone
My words numbered, my actions meek

Tears become acid
As they stream from my eyes
I cannot control the sobs
When I think of all the lies

I had to do this, it’s the only way
I have to keep my distance
I have to stay away
“We never really fit” I say

My life in exile
Shunned by family and friends
I cannot bear it, too much to take
Please wake me when it ends

Unkempt sorrow
Pierces through flesh and bone
Realization finally hit
I am alone

I’ll be with you You’ll be with me Forever

Please no more beg to me not to leave you
Not anymore calling my name and ask me to stay
Never again say you want to be with me
you're right better for you without me

That’s the best you deserve and I fully understand
you have to go I can’t make you be in hardest position more than what I have caused
Get through your life and never see back to me
just try to be happy here just don’t spend your time for worrying me

Even when you’re not here by my side anymore
Just don’t fear of losing me you’ll be alright soon
Though we can’t be this close again but my soul always with you
You can stand your ground to face it all you’ll be fine

My hands hold yours always no matter how far I am
Be strong for me because I’ll just ask you to take care your self for my last
I’m sorry for all the pain I made you felt
Instead what you have done for me is too much

All I wish for you is your peaceful life as what you’ve told me before
Although what’s right in front of us now seem breaking us
But you know in your nights I will never let you feel lonely again
I will never let you down not after the ache I mark in you

I’ll always accompany you as what I have done even if I pretend as I’m not there
I hope once I see you next time you’re smiling
Then I’ll be at peace over all the guilty inside me
So then with just our promise remain

Allow me to once again say it
I’ll be with you
You’ll be with me
Forever

Because that’s the sweetest thing I ever heard
Also will be the very last words from us
I love you!

(for my wifFiEe and my laBz!)

is she sure?..

is she sure?? sure of what?? ...hmm.. i think sure of her feelings...if she really loves me...hmmm...maybe if i throw this question to her, she'll get angry... hahaha... she really mean it if she's saying "i miss you" to all her friends, but for me?..hmm.. nah.. i'll just receive punches and slappping from her. she also mean it if she's saying "i love you" to them, but for me?... hmmm... her: "i love you" then a question in her mind ( why are you asking me that?)...i really thought of that..i'm really confuse... confuse of something... something i don't know and i'm having a hard time figuring it out... hmmm... you know.. she really enjoys if she with her friends but with me?...i don't think so... sometimes she's mad at me... sometimes ok...hmmm really really confuse!!! is he really happy to be in love with me??? or just pretending to be happy with me...to be honest...sometimes i don't feel her presence... maybe she changed the way she is... even though everyday we're together...i always misses her...

I'll always be here for you...

the time when she whispered it to me, "i'll always be here for you". i smiled and pause for a moment. after that, this question came in my mind: "i'll always be here for you", hmm...as for what?? as friends? as classmates?? or as a lover??..phew! i don't know... she's the only who can answer it right?...

"i'll always be here for you", this phrase has different points of view. different from a friend, from a classmate, and ofcourse from a lover. i don't know what she's pointing in to but there's only one thing i want her to know: i will always be there for her too no matter what the circumstances and consequences.

hmm...i don't know how long she will be there for me but i think the best way to do is to cherish every moment with her and make her feel special everyday.

Trust V.S. Mistrust

2nd time in making this mushy stuff...nah!! anyway....

hmm...i thought trust vs mistrust happens only in stage 1 of Erik Erikson's stages of development...i never thought it would happen on our relationship...

trusting sumbody sounds easy...but difficult to do...we usually say "i trust u so much" but do we really trust him/her?

mistrust: lack of trust. for me trust is very important because it is one of the foundations in a relationship. without it, a person will not grow maturely in a relationship. i know that there will be insecurities happening in a relationship, its normal i guess. the problem is, how can we or i cope up with insecurities? is trust enough for this?...watcha think!?... even i don't know the answer...phew!!

you know..its hard...trusting...i don't know what to write in here about this stuff... maybe i have to explore it first... and i think the best way in doing this (trusting) is to pray... pray for yourself, pray that you'll be able to trust your partner in whatever consequences you encounter. pray for your partner, that he/she will be loyal to you all the time. lastly, pray for you relationship and hope it'll last forever...."til death do us part"

Some Crooked Paths

Hi, this is my first time in making this kind of mushy stuff. I make this just to express what i feel right now, in a few weeks, months or even years. I don't know what that's why i entered this kind of stuff.

I entitled my 1st blog "some crooked paths" because in life we are not really in a straight path. Challenges and trials may come along the way, sometimes hard and sometimes easy. These things are just some spices in life. Imagine life w/o problems, duh!! so boring right?... Crooked paths, those are the "bumpy" parts along our road.

One reasons why i entitled this blog as "some crooked paths" because i have just encountered a crooked path in my life. that experienced just pulled me down so badly that i can't even stand still. being in a conflict is not easy, you have to get rid of the loneliness you feel inside, the sadness that runs through your veins. conflict leads to anger and that feeling is happening in me right now. enough!! about the experience, this is between me and someone, not just a someone that is someone but a special someone. i questioned myself, "why is there a need to be a trustworthy person?" i came up with an answer: "for the relationship to last long???". "why do we have to trust others??" hmmm.... "do we need to be loyal always??" phew!!.... "is my boyfriend/girlfriend loyal to me all the time??.... hard questions right?? these questions keeps bugging in my mind. i stress up the words trust and loyal because for me these are the hardest things to do in a relationship; being a trustworthy person, trust your partner, being loyal all the time.

i've been in a relationship and last for about 2 years 3 months 3 weeks and 3 days. i'm very proud because "we" last that long. i can say, that would be the most wonderful, meaningful, and memorable 2 years of my life. just be with her is enough to complete my day. her wonderful lips when she smile, her eyes, her soft hands when touching mine, the smell of her hair, those rosy cheeks i kissed, these are just some things that i missed about her. we also have crooked paths in our relationship. we also experienced ups and downs but this, this time i don't know if i can manage the loneliness inside me. i can say at first its so easy to trust but as time goes by haaaaaayyyyy!!! i don't know what to say.... im proud because my trust to her didn't fade away. i was loyal to her at all times. i easily follow her decisions when it comes to "dont do this and that" and "just do this and that". this phrase comes in my mind "SAKALA ANI OIE!! (im in prison)" i know its unfair but i think its ok, i love her weeeehh!!... i do that for our relationship, that following her decisions thingy just to avoid conflicts. when we celebrated our 2nd anniversary everything was perfectly planned. i realized that the problems we encounter last year are no match to us. naaahh!! and hoping we can handle problems again this year. i even thought "sus kaya kaau!!!" "kami pa!!".

Just this month, our relationship suddenly.....................................................................................BOOM!!!!! can't tell the story.......... i don't want to remember f*ckn things right now (sorry for the word, that's how i describe it.) If you want a fruitful and mature relationship you should "OPEN" everything, YES!!! EVERYTHING!! not only the good things happened about you that day but also those the things that you know that may hurt your partner. just be open to your partners because it's sooooo hard if there are things that you don't know about your partner or the things she/he did. this is based on my experienced. just be honest, don't make up stories. know your partner well and cherish every moment with her/him because you don't know maybe today will be the end of your relationship. if you love someone open it up to her/him.

i don't know why she did that to me, maybe all the things i've done is not enough, maybe she fell inlove with someone, maybe she's tired of me, there are so many reasons and i can't even answer my test questions properly because i am busy thinking of those reasons.

i trust her and i'm loyal to her, but the question is "i know she trust me, but is she loyal to me?" this question challenge me all the time. right now, i dont know what's the answer and hopefully i can be able to answer it someday.

i dedicate this blog to everyboyd especially YOU!!! not because i want you to read this but this is the only way i can express my feelings towards the situation and experiences.

Thank you!